Where is My Emmy!
I starred in four seasons of the greatest show.
Let me tell you something.
I want my Emmy! I deserve an Emmy!
I bet y’all are wondering what show did I play in right? Well let me tell you. I played four seasons in the United States Marine Corps, and I prepared my ass off for my role.
You heard how Leonardo DiCaprio camped out in the wilderness, ate raw meat, slept in a dead animal, and swam in frozen rivers, just to prepare for The Revenant? That is true method acting.
Well in preparation for my role in the Marine Corps I camped in the wilderness, ate sketchy-ass food, slept in a dank hole, nearly drowned in a saltwater pool swimming with sharks — I mean drill instructors — just to secure my role. That is true method acting!
I put my body through it and came out looking like Kumail Nanjiani.
Do you ever watch the bloopers of TV shows or films? It’s hilarious when an actor makes their co-star[s] break character — it’s honestly better than the actual scene. Well I did that in my show.
One day I was writing a letter to my dear mother on my ten seconds of free time, and was as giddy as can be. I had the biggest Kool-Aid smile on my face. Then all of a sudden a hear the floor rumble beneath me. The most terrifying shrieks pierced my ear like a baby at Claire’s, and in a flash I was surrounded by ten thousand drill instructors.
They pounced without warning.
“SO YOU THINK YOU CAN SMILE RECRUIT!”
“SECURE THOSE DISGUSTING TEETH!”
“SCREEEEEAM OUT YOUR FAT FACE! SCREAM AYE SIR!”
I stood there motionless. My face as void as my wallet.
Their little spittle droplets were break-dancing on my face. Then I had an epiphany: all the greatest actors, at some point in their career, improvised a scene and it turned out to be gold. This was my opportunity for greatness. I stuck my tongue out in a cartoonish fashion and licked my entire face covered with their hateful spit.
They broke character for a microsecond, and then continued to chew me out.
Success! I made ten thousand ravaging drill instructors break character.
Where is my Emmy!
